8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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