Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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