I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
