dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
