Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
