I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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