you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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