there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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