I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
