i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
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