Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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