This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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