sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize