Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
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