well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I just want nice things and good sex
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
My breasts were aching with rage.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Randomize
