At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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