I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
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