i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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