woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Randomize
