Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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