Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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