Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize