The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
