I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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