My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Randomize
