I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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