whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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