i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
