If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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