I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
The uberlube is also flammable
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
