I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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