time to smoke my breakfast
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
