Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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