you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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