I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
