So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
