Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Randomize
