I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
