I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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