umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Randomize
