Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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