this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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