saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
