listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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