Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
