Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Randomize
