Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
