I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
