I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
he was CRYING into my vagina
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Randomize
