Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
