I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
