so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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