you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
