I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Randomize
