I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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