so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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