i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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