Please, let me fuck your mom
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
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